A Mile in Their Shoes

Today I received sad news: Jeanine, loving and beloved wife of Russ, has passed away after battling cancer and crippling arthritis for years. I wrote about Russ in Numbing Pepper last year December. All of us who knew of the deep bond these two shared kind of figured that Jeanine would not linger far behind her husband. Still, I grieve not just for the loss of another fine human being from this earth, but also for their children and grandchildren. Losing both parents within four months is a difficult blow.

The thing about losing a, or both parents is that, amidst the sense of loss and abandonment even grown children feel, the thought comes: “I’m next in line for mortality”. I know. I’ve lost both of my parents. My siblings and I are next in line for mortality, and our children will have to shoulder the burden of our passing, while facing the fact that they too will be next.

I think about Russ and Jeanine, and I think about their progeny. Do they know they were loved and wanted? Are they going to bond and nurture each other, or do as my siblings did: fight over any estate matters to the point of permanent division?

I know I told you about two of my siblings, the two I did not grow up with. First in Excess, Excess Everywhere and again in A Tale of Three Blankies, posted in August and October of last year. I also remember lightly touching on my other siblings in A Tale of Three Blankies. Now it is time to talk more about them.

Besides the brother and sister I did not grow up with who have welcomed me into their lives and homes with open arms, I have 2 older brothers and 1 older sister with whom I share nothing.

The last I saw of my eldest brother was when I was eleven. He left to serve in the military. My other brother, sister and I last communed when I was fourteen, at which point my mother took me back to Germany and left them behind with her soon to be ex-husband. We all found each other decades later, without the help of the Internet or other search tools. We have yet to stand in one room together. It has been thirty nine years since that last happened.

Our divisions are too deep. They date back to our mother’s death and subsequent settling of her estate. We squabbled over the interpretation of her last will and testament, an ugly scene under any circumstances. It is as much my fault as theirs. Since then we’ve found our lives, our beliefs, what we need and want from one another simply do not marry up. Rather than live with constant friction, name calling, back-biting and animosity I have chosen to abdicate. I eschew all contact with them no matter how innocuous it seems to be because I know from past experience that any communication with them escalates to verbal brawling. I will not tolerate it.

The brother closest to me in age is a maintenance technician in a federal facility in Texas. He is twice married and has grown children with whom I enjoy a good relationship. Next up is a sister who is an ESL teacher in Colorado. I do not have a relationship with her children. For some reason she saw fit to never allow me into their life, or them into mine. And then there is the oldest brother, the one who disappeared when I was just eleven years old. He was also twice married, with children from both unions. I have a relationship (of sorts) with the children of his second marriage but the son from his first marriage is cagey about accepting advances from anyone on his father’s side of the family. I can’t say as I blame him. This brother is a long-haul trucker, based out of Tennessee.

Our clan is not as large and Jeanine and Russ’s but it is far more convoluted and drama-laced.

When I first met my in-laws they were a well-knit group of people, all living under one roof save for the two oldest sibs, who were married and out of the house. This family was my first taste of ‘normal’, where families were concerned. Parents didn’t abandon their children. Everyone fought, played, argued, stole each other’s stuff, threatened to kill each other… until Jeanine’s shrill cry of “Russ!” brought him off the couch, to impose himself between the combatants. In the end everyone ended up at least tolerating one another, if not being friends. That’s what I always thought family should be.

Being as the only experience I have in family matters where a death is concerned is my own family and seeing as our relationships are non-existent, I wonder how my former in-laws will manage everything. Will they squabble over paltry things? Will they cooperate and support one another? Two of the more stable, and therefore more dominant members seem to have control over the family. Word I got from my son, when he visited with them a few months ago was that there were grumbles of malcontent between those two, and everyone else fell somewhere between their range of ideas.

I guess only time will tell. Russ is only 4 months in his grave and Jeanine has yet to be laid next to him. I, living in China and not even a member of that family anymore, will wait for my third-hand reports, trickled from my former husband into my children’s ears, and from them to me. I will ask for that information, if need be. In spite of my long ago divorce I still care about this family.

And I care about my family. Although I maintain no contact with any of my older siblings, I offer up prayers and well-wishes on their respective birthdays, dates that are engraved in my brain. I think about my mother almost daily, even though she is years gone. Come February 17^th, her birthday and the day before her death I turn downright morose.

Here is an interesting little tidbit about my mother. After her youngest child moved away and eventually left the country, she chose to stay in Germany, a land where she barely spoke the language and had no support network. Being as she refused all contact with any of her children after her duty to them was done I can’t speak of her quality of life or what she did for her remaining years. I imagine it is somewhat like my life in China: she spoke enough German to get by, she kept herself distant from any potential relationships. It was her landlady who informed us she had only weeks to live. Apparently Mother didn’t have much in the way of close friends.

I do see a similarity between my mother and I, in one respect. I have chosen to hie myself off to China, a distant land where I barely speak the language and, at least when I first got here had no support network. The major difference between my mother and me is that I enjoy a rich and loving relationship with my children. And, I have solid friendships, both here and in the States.

What if I couldn’t live here anymore? What if I had to return stateside? What would I do? Rather than infringe on my kids’ life and the families they’ve made for themselves I thought I would take up a new career in trucking. The idea first came to me last year in August, while I was traveling across the States. That would be the one job that would guarantee me the freedom and isolation I seem to crave, all while earning enough money to take care of myself without burdening my children.

And then the irony hit me: The job I held prior to moving to China was maintenance in a federal facility. Matter of fact, it was the same branch of service my brother works in, just a different building. Now I am an ESL teacher, just like my sister. If I have to leave China, I intend to become a long-haul trucker, just like my oldest brother. And I have isolated myself overseas, just like my mother.

They say that you cannot understand a person until you’ve walked a mile in their shoes. I contend that you can’t love someone until you understand them. So, for my siblings who choose to disparage me, you should know that I love you so much I’ve walked a mile in each of your shoes. For my mother, who turned away all those years ago, you should know that I am now walking a mile in your shoes. I feel the loneliness you must have felt in Germany, so far from everyone who loved you.

For the family that I was a member of for such a brief time, back in my youth: I’m walking in your shoes too. With both of my parents gone, I’m wrestling with being the next in line for mortality and looking back at the time my family was rent by my parents’ death. I hope that, with first Russ and now Jeanine gone, your family continues to fare well in their memory.