The Legacy

Today I received news that shook me to my core. Just prior to her death my former mother in law, Jeanine left very specific instructions that I was to be given something of hers. What could it be?

Let’s back up a little bit. You know by now that I held both Russ and Jeanine in high regard. In a lot of ways they and their children were the model family to me. The epitome of what the bedrock of society should be. For the short time I was among them they accepted me into their fold with hardly any questions asked. That was over thirty years ago.

At some point during my brief inclusion into their clan I had apparently gifted Jeanine something. Her dying wish was that it should be returned to me.

Talk about being emotionally sucker punched in the best possible way!

My own mother saw to it that every shred of family heirloom, or anything that could be considered an heirloom went to those who cared for her during her final days. As neither I nor my siblings were a part of her life, I saw that as fitting even though it hurt. In spite of her I do have some things that I remember as having been in our home while growing up. When I packed up and left for China I gave those to my children.

Among them: preserved newspapers from the city of my birth, Bordeaux, chronicling the end of World War II. A series of original edition hardback comic books. Some fine linens and silver. A musical jewelry box.

I have that last with me. The rest of the loot I divided up between my two children.

Other things of mine my kids have: my music collection – one favorite artist’s CD collection to one child. The other one received my other favorite artist’s works. One received newspapers that I had contributed articles to and the other received a book of poetry a poem of mine was published in. I gave my daughter all the family pictures for safekeeping and my son some practical items that have been in our house since his childhood. Each got a snippet of Planty-plant, the only houseplant I’ve been able to keep alive. Even that ivy has special significance: it was gifted to me on the day Gabriel was born.  

At the time I was doling out these treasures Darrell remarked that it felt like I was dispensing of my worldly goods in the face of my death. A gloomy statement to be sure, but one not far off the mark. Living as a vagabond, I’ll have nothing material to bequeath them when the death knell sounds for me. 

Now I am on the front line for mortality, as described in the Mile in their Shoes entry. Russ and Jeanine’s passing remind me that I too should plan a legacy for my family. I feel like both Darrell and Jennifer have had the best of me. We have precious memories to share and now they have the few material things that we’ve collected through the years. And, of course, there is this blog. 

What about Gabriel and Kat, and now Ben? I intend to leave something for each of them. Something that harkens back to my childhood days. Something that, amidst their sorrow they can cling to and know that their Mema loved him or her especially. So much so that this one particular item was destined for their hands only. Much like Jeanine planned on leaving me that which I had gifted her, all those years ago.

I had long decided that Gabriel is to receive my Red Blankie (see A Tale of Three Blankies, posted November ’11). It is my longest held possession, and it has the added characteristic of having traveled all over the world and having survived the house fire, as well as keeping me warm here in China. My legacy to Ben is as yet undecided, seeing as he is so newly arrived.

Originally I had intended to gift Kat my mother’s jewelry box, one of the few things I have of hers. Upon hearing that Jeanine left me a gift, I’ve changed my mind. I feel that whatever that gift is should end up in Kat’s possession.

Kat and all the grandkids will eventually have an academic understanding of their great grandmother – my mother. She was not a warm, loving, giving type of person and I would just as soon spare them any painful, emotionally devoid tales. Or, for that matter, emotionally rending tales. Simply telling them they had a great-grandma that was born in France and lived in Germany should suffice. But Jeanine! She of the big heart and thoughtful consideration, with her ability to sucker punch me from the Great Beyond… 

A legacy is more than a tangible item, in my opinion. It should symbolize the best that a person was, and that those characteristics are to be carried into future generations. It should have a history significant to the person or family it represents. With this interpretation it is easy to see why I prefer that Kat receive this gift Jeanine had expressly intended for me rather than that which my mother never intended to bequeath to anyone, least of all me. Therefore, Kat gets Jeanine’s gift.

Oh, yeah! Sometimes my personal issues come to the forefront and it seems I forget that this blog is about cultural comparisons between China and The West, not about me and my convoluted family. Maybe I should tell you how legacies are decided in China.

Truth is, they’re not. In families established prior to the 1980’s, before the One Child Policy was instituted, everything went to the male heir. If there were several sons, the eldest got the bulk of the estate and the remaining brothers received either progressively less, or their portion of the inheritance was decided by the eldest male. Females received nothing at all.

Nowadays the sole heir gets everything from both sides of the family. If that heir happens to be female, she still gets nothing. All financial and material goods are left to her husband if she is already married, or to her future husband for when she does get married. If she never marries the family fortunes and worldly goods revert to other relatives, usually brothers or male in-laws of the deceased.

Before you choke on your outrage let me add this: slowly, that tradition is changing. With Chinese society belatedly realizing the value of daughters, more and more inheritance is passed on to females. Fact is, daughters are more likely to dispense of the family fortune equitably than males are. I don’t see a tidal wave of change coming about. More like an erosion of tradition. Maybe, by the time my students reach the age where inheritance is a real and immediate concern to them things will have changed sufficiently that my former students who are female will in fact be designated sole inheritors.

Of tangible heirlooms there is not much to dispense of in the traditional Chinese family. During the Great Leap Forward all family heirlooms were destroyed and anything the family might have had of any significant value, financial or otherwise, was seized or destroyed lest one be thought of as bourgeois. However, that was over sixty years ago and the Chinese are once again stockpiling material goods. There might yet be tangible heirlooms to be passed down.

That is how things happen in China.

And now, for Ben. Still thinking on that one. Seeing as I don’t have much in the way of material possessions, it is a tough call on what to dedicate to him.

I’m really going to be in trouble if any more grandchildren come along!