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Today, you will be treated to a joyous tale of success in a quest for food.

No, please don’t shake your head in bewilderment and check past articles for a firm assertion that I have proven I can shop here; this is a completely separate quest. A more... urgent one.

Well, you can read past articles if you’d like...

Oh, and also: I will make use of a narrative device* that will permit me to express the depth of my feeling at every point in this event without pouring more profanity into cyberspace – where there is plenty of it without adding my two pounds worth.

Don’t worry about which device; you’ll recognise it when you see it.

Any more questions? Off we go, then...

It was a gorgeous fall day. A crisp wind teased the golden leaves, lively in their last throes, as they skipped across the pavement.

The sky was such an intense blue you wanted to reach your hand up just to touch its perfection...

Living on the 5^th floor as I do, I was quite nearly able to!

I’d been hard at work on my assignment, pounding out two articles per day for the last couple of days and was quite in the mood to join the leaves; to go out and dance in the sunshine.

So that’s what I did.

It only took a few moments to save my work and shut down the computer, and then change into something suitable for the pursuit. Soon, the wind was tossing my curls about as playfully as the leaves.

Yeah, there really was a bit of wind, so I decided to ride a tram around. The 10 came along and I paid my fare, settling into my seat to watch leaves dance around without me.

Wouldn’t you know it? Instead of running its usual route, that tram was heading to the depot for service!

Maintenance depots are generally not high on anyone’s list of things to see when exploring a new town but I still considered it a score, especially because I had to take a different tram line back into town. 

And so the afternoon went, all in fun but with an eye on the clock – there was a chat in the offing and I wasn’t going to miss it!

Close to chat time I rode home but, realising I still had at least an hour and a half... hey! Wonder what’s down here!

I’d not yet fully explored all of the streets in my neighborhood, you see, so, as I went in this new direction, I was quite pleased to find a Netto grocery store and wondered if they were open on Sundays...

Between wonderment, curiosity and the half-dead leaves carpeting the sidewalk, I just didn’t see that chunk missing out of that giant pave stone. My ankle twisted and down I went. 

Monkey throwing feces!

Not gracefully or gently, but with a giant wrenching of my left elbow – that’s the arm that first tried to break my fall and, when it gave out, my right hand, followed a second later by my right knee.

MONKEY THROWING FECES! MONKEY THROWING FECES!!!AN ENTIRE TROOP OF MONKEYS THROWING FECES!!!

I assure you that what came out of my mouth was not that mild.

Fortunately, I was saved from further polluting the environment with my foul words by a kind passerby who asked me why I was sitting on the ground, with my glasses over here and my bag over there.

I know that’s what she asked because, when I told her I spoke no Polish, she repeated herself in English. She also asked what happened and if she should call an ambulance for me.

Therein lies the true feces-throwing beast: as yet, I’d not purchased health insurance. In fact, that was to be my mission this week, but fat chance if I was going to wander into town in my current condition!

And no way was I going to incur a massive emergency room bill on my 3^rd week here!

Not that I’m being foolhardy.

In fact, let me say right now that if you are in need of medical attention, don’t wait to seek it out.

It just so happens I have a bit of experience with my left elbow taking a whacking from when I bashed my head open in China. I know what a bone bruise feels like, as opposed to a bone break. This was definitely bruised.

Any desire to further explore the neighborhood vanished. Once I felt steady enough I walked home, cradling my elbow and mewling pitifully.

And mentally reviewing what I had in my first aid kit.

I wasn’t even thinking about climbing 5 flights of stairs and somehow made it all the way up with no trouble.

An air cast, bought for my broken leg, but with a slight modification, could work to splint my arm. An elbow brace... forget it! Arm is far too swollen now.

Tylenol. Lots of it. Yes, good take some right now

Wet a pair of socks and throw them in the freezer: poor man’s ice wrap.

INTERIM

We had a lovely chat! It has been raining a lot in Texas...

BACK TO STORY

With both of my arms in muted agony thanks to the tylenol, I had to think about what food stores I had. I couldn’t keep popping pain killers on an empty stomach.

That is when I discovered my right hand had possibly suffered more damage than my left elbow.

I have pretty bad arthritis in my right hand and only keep it at bay by minimizing intake of caffeine and wheat – my two triggers. That doesn’t mean the hand isn’t a bit painful and deformed... and landing on it rendered it completely useless.

Monkey throwing feces!

Besides the fact that I make my living through finger dexterity – in reckoning my situation, I figured I could type reasonably fast with just one hand, but how was I going to prepare food? Change clothes? Do anything with two useless hands???

Oh, so many feces-throwing monkeys!

Fortunately, I also had a bottle of Nyquil in my meds stash. A few ham and cheese roll-ups, a slug of Nyquil, and... sit up all night because I hurt too bad to lay down.

The drowsing felt great but my hands were still useless the next morning; you should have seen me try to fix breakfast!

And I couldn’t keep eating just cold cuts and cheese...

Suddenly, inspiration hit!

When cleaning up after the previous tenants, I thought to save a few of their left-behind take out menus, should I ever wanna not have to brave the stairs.

Of course, there is the off-chance that I misinterpreted those menus – there might not be any food delivery or, if there was, the restaurant workers in question might not understand anything but their native language!

And so, it came to be, on that fateful day of no hands, that I pecked at my phone’s translator for the Polish word for ‘delivery’ and found it on that menu, next to the phone number one should call in such times that pizza delivery is needed.

Thus emboldened, I pecked 8 digits in, awash with relief and gratitude for that unknown man’s language skills, and placed my order. He further reassured me by promising my pizza and beverage would be here in 30 minutes.

That was only the second time in 8 years that I have ordered a pizza, and the other time, the ordering was done online.

I guess you could say i’m getting all kinds of living experiences, here!

When the door bell chimed, I inched my way out of my seat – getting out of low-slung furniture with no hands is no fun unless you’re much smaller than I am, and I buzzed him in, and then waited for the ponderous footfalls that would signify the imminent arrival of pizza.

It was the most mediocre pizza I have ever had: no sauce to speak of, hardly any cheese and only a handful of pineapple and ham.

Still, it was hot, it was food...it was delivered!

And I can always embellish the rest of it with extra ham and cheese.

Now for the good news: my right hand is nearly back to normal, I am working my left arm gently – it is going to take that one a bit longer to heal.

But the best part is that, this event having spurred me into looking more closely at my health insurance options, I discovered I can register as self-employed with the National Health Service instead of paying higher ‘foreigner’ premiums through a commercial enterprise!

There is always a silver lining...

* Please know I bear simians no ill will, nor do I have any intention to shame or demean them in invoking them in this manner.

That expression was born from a childhood trip to the zoo where I distinctly recall seeing monkeys engaged in that very act.

I feel the visual serves very well to depict the chaos and panic and anger that was trying to wrest control of my mind at the time of the event.