My nephew has always been an achingly beautiful child: wide-spaced, almond shaped hazel eyes that appear to have seen centuries of trials and pain, elfin features, dark complexion... just a beautiful child. Of all of my nieces and nephews, he alone stole my heart so completely while, of all times, brushing our teeth together.
Matthew, I believe, is autistic - lower spectrum, granted, but still: Asperger's is Asperger's, and he had every symptom. The elfin features, spatulate hands, lack of eye contact, no enjoyment or comfort in, or desire for physical contact, monotone voice, virtually no emotional expression, needing a certain order in his surroundings, picky eater.
He has never been formally diagnosed. His parents did not believe in 'special needs' children and treated him like they did their other children. He learned to live in his chaotic household and adapt to mainstream education. More than that, he has thrived and has a strong desire to succeed in life, something no one has given him credit for in his entire life. Matt is now 20, and only looking for someone to give him a chance to start his life.
Enter the Aunt who has cherished him for his entire life. The Aunt who is leaving the country and leaving everyone behind. The Aunt who, once upon a time, just needed someone to give her a chance and when someone did, she ran with it and carved out a sweet life for herself and her children. You know: me!
With just one week left in the DFW area, Matt told me he simply could not stand life as he knew it anymore. For him to make such a confidence is enormous (remember Asperger's); the pain of such a life must have outweighed his natural reticence to acknowledge feelings. I had to help.
I had promised to gift him my car upon leaving the country, but for various reasons not all mine, I had arranged to sell my car instead. That meant that I owed Matt a car, and now I had no car to give him. During one exceedingly fun weekend we spent together two weeks before my scheduled departure date, we talked about the car deal, and I told him that I always keep my promises, so I would buy him a car.
And then came that desperate late night phone call during which I suggested that, instead of buying him a car, I would give him the money I would have spent to buy him a car to start life on his own, away from everyone who perturbed him or caused him pain. Thus comforted, we agreed to go to sleep with the promise that we would see each other in the morning for breakfast.
While driving to the restaurant we were to meet at, The Idea struck me like a thunderbolt! My son had been in a similar place just 2 years ago, and a change of scenery made all of the difference in his life. Maybe the same would hold true for Matt?
I started working the phone. First I called my son, explained Matt's situation and asked him to help get Matt successfully launched in California. Darrell agreed with virtually no hesitation.
Then I called my daughter, who also lives in Cali. As she and her husband were driving through Texas to take me to back with them, would they mind another passenger? Again I briefly explained the situation and she not only agreed to transport him to Cali, but open her home to him as well.
By the time I arrived at the restaurant, everything was in place for Matt to start fresh: I would provide money and my kids would provide encouragement, guidance and support. All Matt had to do was agree to the plan.
Which he did, crying tears of gratitude. With a rare display of emotion, he threw his arms around me and thanked me for giving him this chance. He then asked for his cousins' phone numbers so he could thank them as well.
On Friday morning - one day before the appointed departure date, he showed up at my house to help me finish packing and cleaning. His material possessions consisted of two packed suitcases and one bicycle. He set to helping me get everything done - that task was more daunting than I originally thought, and that will be the subject of the next blog! In short, Matt made a firm commitment to walk away from everything known and familiar, and take a chance on a promise in a far away place.
Who does that sound like? Can anyone say 'Kindered Spirit'?
We arrived in Cali after 24 hours of driving - my son in law and I tag-teamed straight through, stopping only for gas and to eat hastily made sandwiches while the gas was pumping. I actually joked that we were probably the only family in America that picnicked around gas pumps!
All of us were still kinda worn and crinkly from the long ride the next day, but my daughter and I set out to get Matt registered at the same temp agency my son started with when he arrived in Cali 2 years ago. He had called them to introduce Matt to them, and we wanted to take advantage of that introduction as soon as possible.
Matt landed a job that very first day! Right now, his second full day in California, he is at work.
Oh, you should see my Matthew! He is radiant! Luminous! He was so ready for this chance, and he has taken it and run with it... and nowlook at him go! He has pledged that, once he gets established, he must find a worthy candidate and do the same for that person. Of course, he acknowledges that 'worthy' will be difficult to find. Matthew is not a stupid boy.
The Chinese have a word for this give-and-take type of story: it is called guanxi (pronounced g'wan-she. It means roughly the give and take of positive deeds and intentions for future benefit of others.
I built guanxi when Matt's father gave me a chance to start my life over all those years ago, Darrell used guanxi to help Matt land his job less than 24 hours after arriving at his new home, and Matt will use guanxi to help a deserving person, once he is established in his new life.
Those Chinese: they have the important aspects of life figured out, don't they?