Today I had a nice visit with a former student, Susan. She's
had her times and trials but now she is doing well, and she is in love! It had
been a long time since we'd seen one another and we had a lot of catching up to
do. I was happy to make the trip into town.
On the way I stopped at a blood donation center. The first
year I was here I tried to donate but left the center disappointed because of
the language barrier. this time around I thought I might have to struggle a bit
to understand all the questions, but was greeted pleasantly – in English! - by
a lovely attendant who presented me the
anticipated questionnaire, also in English! And then I was told I would need my
doctor's certification that my thyroid levels were in range before I could
donate. I walked away encouraged that soon, I could be helping people get well
with my healthy blood.
And then, while waiting for my tardy young friend I met a
nice young man name Lawrence, new to Wuhan. Initially taken aback at being
hailed by another foreigner, a rare occurrence here, we engaged in lively
conversation, and then exchanged contact details. Soon he hopped back on his
bike and rode away, into this blue-skyed, delicious day.
Finally: a text message. Susan was here and wondered where I
was. She described herself: “I have sunglasses on, and a black jacket.” That
could have been any of the twenty or so Chinese in my sights who had black
jackets on! That little joke aside, our reunion was joyful and our embrace
heartfelt.
Susan comes from a traditional family. Her parents are both
social success stories: mother working in the legal system, step-father a well
positioned government official and father a prominent business man. They all
felt their daughter was a failure, first for achieving a score on the National
College Entrance Exam that would only permit admittance to a 3rd
tier university (our school), and then for resisting their offer to pull
strings for a transfer to a better university.
That came to naught anyway because, right around the time her
government-employed mother and step-father intended to ply the university
president with gifts to guarantee Susan's admittance, China launched its
intensive crackdown on graft and favor-buying.
Immediately after graduation (from our school, much to her
parents' chagrin), they forcefully persuaded her to return to her home in
Suizhou. Susan had every intention of making her way in Wuhan. She has never
felt she was too good to do what would be considered unsuitable work for a
college graduate: clerking, cashiering and/or waitressing. She never got to
try. Her parents cleaned out her dorm room while she was out, and held her
possessions hostage until Susan capitulated. Enraged but choiceless, she went home with them.
That is the root of Susan's past problems: a stifling
parentage that left her absolutely no room to thrive or make decisions for
herself. Her mother controlled every single aspect of her life, even sending
her back to campus after winter break with a case of super sweet apple juice
and the order to drink one bottle every day for good health. That I know of,
Susan drank 1 bottle (and gave me one), and then never touched them again. She
later confided that, after a particularly infuriating conversation with her mother, she smashed every single one
of those glass bottles.
For Susan and many other kids here, I am a safe outlet.
Plenty have confided their worst troubles to me, knowing I could not (and would
not) do anything other than be there for them. Initially, Susan resisted me. I
approached her because she drew attention to herself with at-risk behaviors.
Over time we bonded and I've had the pleasure to watch her evolve into a strong
young woman who knows her own mind.
She is still angry, though. I noticed that today. “Your anger
is good for you right now, dear. You need it to drive you into the life you
want.” Although she doesn't come across as angry, I know it's there because
there is a brittleness about her. She averred that she is still angry at her family, and the reasons
keep piling up. That she could say so with a smile shows how well she's come
along since her 'crazy days'.
After being hied back to Suizhou, her mother set her to
studying for a civil service exam a few months hence. Mom had pulled a few
strings – not illegal under the new graft laws, to sign her up. Susan spent
days at a time in her room, only coming out for meals. Sometimes she would go
out for walks, which turned into runs, to blow off steam. In all, Susan
remained in limbo for 9 months after graduation: no job, no social life, no
prospects other than that test.
She bombed the exam on purpose. Now, with no hope of securing
a government position and no job
suitable for someone with an associates' degree from a third rank
university, Mom finally gave up. Susan
has been released to live her life as she saw fit. She hangs her hat in a
trendy neighborhood just off from a popular hangout, works as a cashier in a
grocery store and loves every bit of it. The one time Mom came to Wuhan to see
her, she refused to go to Susan's apartment or visit the store where her
daughter works for fear of humiliation: how can such a well-placed government
worker have such a failure for a daughter?
How would anyone in Wuhan know that Mom is a well-placed
government official?
As a parting shot, Mom said: “If you need money, I can lend
you some. Just be sure to pay me back by the end of the month.” I believe Susan
would rather starve than ask her mother, or anyone else in her family for
anything.
Susan is a part of a growing group in China who are walking
away from tradition: doing what the family wants/demands. While most young
adults I know are still very traditional, more and more we're seeing a take-off
from their supposed mapped out existence. These days, people do not want to
knuckle under tradition when they have a flair for life. They don't want to
find or be matched to a suitable mate, marry, have a child and settle into the
life they are expected to lead.
Susan failed the exam in order to make her family leave her
alone. Intrinsic to Chinese society is the 'in or out' mentality. While most
would not be as rigid as Susan's folk, it is quite common for a non-complying
young adult to be rejected by the entire family, at least for a time. By
failing spectacularly, Susan has guaranteed that no one from her clan will
pursue her or make demands on her. Conversely, she will not be welcome at
family gatherings, either. I don't think that bothers her in the least. She
might come to miss her family eventually but I'm so proud of her right now.
New Friend Lawrence has already sent me several text messages
with romantic overtones. I'm not sure he's aware I have children who are
possibly older than him. I thought it was wonderful that another foreigner
reached out, but when he said something about kissing me...
I'm not going to go there. I'll just stick with the joy at
Susan's life explorations.
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