Peace

A while back I wrote an entry that dealt with people being ‘too much in this world’ (see E. Roosevelt and D. Henley entry, posted this year in April). It is about people, dreamers, who need to live in their own world to make their dreams come true. Once they cross some imaginary line, they become ‘too much in this world’. They give up their dreams in favor of living by society’s creed.

By no means am I too much in this world. I’m not that much of a dreamer, either. I am just so painfully introverted that, when the outside world comes crashing onto me I must withdraw. It takes long periods of silence and aloneness for me to regain my balance and ability to face the world again.

Such an instance of ‘too much world’ happened during these past 2 weeks. Beyond teaching my regular classes, and extracurricular activities such as the tenth year anniversary party and English corner meetings, I’ve had dinner with Chris and Julia, a visit with Zhanny and Dash, that hike that wasn’t a hike (posted a few entries ago), shopping with Lucky (a former student turned friend), coffee with Gary and Lee, guest lecturing high schoolers at a day school and now the Over the Wall Community.

For someone as introverted as I am, that is a lot of social activity in too short a period of time.

Please note that I am not anti-social, and never was. I have learned to be much more social since moving to China, living amongst a people where every minute of every day is shared. In fact, compared to the level of social activity I engaged in while living stateside, you could say I am now a society lady of the first order. But still, as an introvert I do need large amounts of quiet time. 

I always give myself a day to psyche myself up for my classes. Being as that is how I earn my bread and butter, I’d better be in top form for that. Therefore I do not schedule anything for Tuesdays, being as I teach Wednesdays through Fridays. Beyond that…

Visiting with Chris and Julia is always a pleasure. That visit came immediately after a socially fallow period, so I was able to deal with it relatively easily. The tenth anniversary celebration that weekend is when I started feeling pressure. The throngs of people, the noise and activity, the constant need to appear happy and excited, even if/when I was, drained me. From there, everything went downhill.

The hike that wasn’t a hike: I had to talk myself into going. Such pep talks generally involve telling myself: “It is only for a day… not even a whole day, just a few hours, C’mon, you can manage a few hours, can’t you?” It was made worse because the event did last for an entire day and it was more of a social occasion than an actual hike (see entries posted about it).

Fortunately, shopping with Lucky was not a huge ordeal. She, like me, does not feel compelled to fill every minute of togetherness with conversation and noise. Mostly, we were content to walk along in silence. I really appreciated that, and told her so. She confessed that, for her, living in the dorm with 5 other girls is literal torture, what with all the noise, activity and closeness. Even her best friend Angel got on her nerves recently because, as Lucky was dressing to go out alone, Angel invited herself along and chattered the whole time.

Each of the subsequent events – dinner with Zhanny and Dash, and coffee with Gary and Lee were, in themselves, tolerable. They did not entail a great social effort on my part, being as with the former group we watched a movie and ate dinner and Gary is the friend I am most comfortable with.  

Now we are up to guest lecturing at the day school. By this time I’ve had 2 weeks of nearly constant social activity, along with teaching my classes and other obligations. My batteries are depleted. I desperately need some quiet time.

When Mrs. C. said we would have to meet at the school gate at 8:30 in the morning on Saturday to get to the school on time I balked but, by social rules I did owe her because she had treated me to the ‘fabulous’ outing the weekend before. To my great joy she decided we should reschedule the guest lecture. I went back to my quiet apartment on Friday afternoon, after having taught the last 2 of my 4 classes for the week, relishing the whole weekend of quiet I was planning for myself.

I envisioned stretching out on the world’s ugliest couch with a glass of tea close by, maybe a nice plate of watermelon to snack on, reading my book in my comfortably cool apartment while the world went on with its doings over the weekend.

So why did I answer my phone that evening?

Ms. C. said we could meet at 8:30AM instead of at 8:00, as originally planned. Yes, she would come pick me up. After hanging up I groaned, immediately feeling the stress. Getting up early AND getting back out in the world, just when I need quiet time! Oh, no!

Fortunately the lecture did not take that long. After speaking for about an hour and a half, the teacher dismissed his students and invited me and Ms. C. to lunch. A very good lunch, I might add.

Even as I was dreading the prospect of spending the rest of the day in company, Ms. C. announced she was calling a car to take me back home. I was so relieved I’m sure I did not hide my feelings very well. I was home at 2:00PM.

But then I thought: here I am, all dressed up. Why not go find one of those murky, off the beaten path cafés that I like to go to and read the afternoon away? I did enjoy some nice reading time, but I had to ride a crowded bus home. That is why I usually don’t go out on weekends.

And then, I had to walk through the Over the Wall Community to get home. Well, either through there or across campus. The OtWC is the lesser of two evils. At best I get stared at. At worst I get talked to, to which I can usually say: “Sorry, I don’t understand.”

Remember: I’m at the end of my social rope here. I cannot stand the idea of engaging in another conversation or pretending in any way to be social. I NEED DOWNTIME!!!

I also need dinner, and fresh green beans are in season. I’m thinking a nice, grilled chicken breast and some steamed green beans. While walking home I stop by one of the farmers’ stalls that has some nice green beans. He is not at his stall so someone goes to fetch him for me. In the meantime, trying to minimize time spent mingling, I kneel down and start selecting my beans.

Like cormorants on a carcass, the locals descend on me. Over my head they start discussing the foreigner, how the foreigner must cook her own food, how they are so lucky their foreigner buys from them instead of ‘from away’. I could handle all that.

What I couldn’t handle was the English teacher who materialized, translating everything everyone said for me. And asking me questions too, like: how long have I been in China, why did I come here, where do I live, could I share my phone number, would I like to come guest lecture at his school???

By this time I am in a frenzy to get away. I feel like a panicked animal, ready to scratch and bite my way to safety. It takes all I have to maintain polite countenance and conversation. I want to run away, literally, from this English teacher who negates the fact that I cannot speak Chinese by virtue of his speaking English, thus forcing my prolonged involvement.

Only after surrendering my phone number and vaguely gesturing in the direction of my apartment building am I allowed to break away. My thoughts are drastic: “I can no longer walk through the community to get to the main road” or maybe I should only go through during weekdays, when that English teacher is likely to be in school.

When I got home I switched off my phone, but only after 3 incoming text messages. Today, 2 days later, it is still switched off.

After a good night’s sleep I feel a bit recovered, but by no means recharged. That will take much longer. Today, I lounge on the world’s ugliest couch, reading my book. That feeling of peace that deserts me after prolonged periods of social engagement is starting to creep back. Another few days should do it.

Wait a minute: I’m lounging on the world’s ugliest couch?

After obsessing over its ugliness for nearly 2 years I took a Magic Eraser to its fake snakeskin upholstery and put the cushion covers in the wash. While it is still not the world’s most attractive piece of furniture, it is now much more presentable and does have the added benefit of allowing me to read while propped up, which my new couch, the screamingly red one that belongs in a piano lounge does not.

I’ve made my peace with the world’s ugliest couch. And, while reclined on it, reading, I seek peace from the demands of the world.

I should be OK in a few days.