Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Rolling up the Welcome Mat

Part of the problem and frustration of being a sitting duck in my apartment is the fact that I am available to whomever wishes to knock on my door. I’ve touched on that before, now let’s explore the topic in detail.

For guys, a surprise knock on the door is no big deal: they just slap a ball cap on their head and answer the door. For women it is so much more involved: hair and make up must be done, clothing and supportive undergarments must be worn. It is a bit like when the paparazzi catch stars without their makeup and make a big deal out of it for women to answer the door in a state of unreadiness. To avoid ‘bad press’, or, in my case bad representation, the particulars of my situation dictate that I must be ready for company at all times.

I’m not presuming I am of the caliber of Angelina Jolie or Halle Berry, but my students expect a certain amount of ‘presence’ when they see me, because that is what they are used to. And, as a role model on campus I am compelled to present myself well. However, I do not like the idea of having to sit around the house with perfect hair and make up in case a student decides to show up. To say nothing of having snacks available, as it is the custom in China to greet your guests with some sort of food and drink to make them feel welcome. And, custom is, if you open your door you are welcoming a guest.

This is another aspect of my recent rebellion: I have decided over this past weekend to not make myself so available to the students. After all, it is not part of my job and there is nothing that compels me to do so. A friend had suggested that I post visiting hours and posting visiting hours sounds like a good idea, but I think maybe it conveys the impression that I welcome visitors for at least part of the night. That is not necessarily the case: What if I’m not feeling well? What if I'm already in my jammies (because they are substantially warmer than my street clothes) and do not have make up on or my hair done? What if I'm doing something like blogging or watching a movie or eating my dinner? What if I don’t have snacks? What if my house is not in shape to receive company?

I always used to tell my daughter that I do not live in suspended animation until she needed something from me; I actually have interests and activities that I pursue, completely independent of her. Same situation here, don't you think?

There was a group of girls - not the Cookie Cutters - who were enraptured by the fact that my apartment was air conditioned (this was in the summer, of course). Their dorms are not climate controlled at all and they do not even have hot water to bathe in. We had gone out and spent the day together, and as a natural extension to that I invited them in for a light snack. Next thing you know they are in the kitchen doing my dishes, going through my things, prowling through the whole house, and saying how they could come over every night and watch movies and study. And then they said how poorly they sleep in their dorms because of the lack of air conditioning... Definitely time to nip that one in the bud.

Of course, I realize I can't have it both ways: either I give up a measure of privacy and allow the students to help me get around town, or I give up the students' help and maintain the sanctity of my home. After a short debate with myself, I've decided on the latter. I can surely learn how to cope and survive around town alone and thus preserve a measure of privacy in my life. Furthermore, now that the school year has taken off and the students are more and more involved in their activities around campus, they are less and less available to spend a weekend day showing me around Wuhan. Besides: the bloom is off the rose; we've been working together for 8 weeks now. They are more familiar with me and do not feel as compelled to satisfy their curiosity about me by hanging out so much. Of course, coming by my apartment is a convenient middle ground... depending on whose side you look at. Certainly not mine.

No, I think I should discourage the practice altogether. The students should not have the liberty to just come up and knock on my door. I think I will encourage them to send a text message to see if I'm available to meet with them, and we can meet at some neutral place on campus during daylight hours: a library, the park or some such. For my more endearing students, going to a local eatery would be acceptable. My home is my home, not a crash pad... as it may well turn out to be if I continue to allow this practice.



What do you think?

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