The following is a list of things that happen to me in
China, that drive me straight up a wall.
In publishing this list – and even in the making of such a
list, by no means am I suggesting that Chinese culture is bad or must be
changed, nor am I saying I do not appreciate it or enjoy it (I enjoy most all
facets of Chinese culture immensely). It's just these aspects, when they occur
in relation to me... well, they just drive me 'round the bend!
The Guanxi Game:
It's all about reciprocity: I've done something for you, now
you must do something for me. That's marvelous! Except, I didn't ask you to do
something for me.
Some people I know are adept at The Guanxi Game. From small
gifts to lavish dinners, always with a hidden agenda that soon becomes clear.
The thing is, I would help anyone who needs whatever service or work I can
provide; I don't need a dinner or a gift in order to be prodded or coerced to
do so. All anyone has to do is ask.
Are you OK?
That one is usually followed by 'you should take a rest'. I
don't know if it is my foreingn-ness or my age that brings this on but I
usually feel like a doddering old fool in the face of this type of
solicitousness.
Proving my ability doesn't seem to dissuade those who are
overwhelmingly concerned that I might keel over from sheer exhaustion at their
feet. While climbing to our 6th floor office – and keeping pace with
the freshmen who were climbing with me, a concerned party tugged my shirt and
asked how I was holding up, and if I wanted to take a rest. I suppose all of
the bike-riding and exercising and physical conditioning I do means nothing in
the face of that much 'care'.
A cousin of that concern is the constant urge to be careful,
or grabbing my arm to help me on/off the curb, to cross a road, to climb
stairs, etc.
I Must Take Care Of You!
More and more I find it less fun and engaging to go out by
myself. Therefore, I quite enjoy rambling around town with others. However, I
must take into account that whoever I invite to accompany me will invariably
take full custody of me. That goes so far as making sure I am never alone, even
in the bathroom. Taking my arm when exiting the bus, carrying my bags
(sometimes wresting them away) and constantly urging me to caution. Seeing to
it that I arrive home safely is par for the course – not just to our campus to
clear up to my apartment door.
One woman with whom I am friendly with has suggested a trip
out of town. I shudder at the idea that she will take physical possession of me
and my things, and not relinquish her hold until we part company. Or, I until
blow my top. How do I know she would? She has done it before.
With that approach to helping the 'helpless', I wonder what
such people think I do when they are not around to babysit me?
Suspended Animation
People around here apparently think I have nothing better to
do than to sit around my house, just waiting for company. Thus, at any given
time, a visitor is likely to drop by, unannounced and apparently thinking my house
will be clean, my cupboard will overflow with snacks, and I will be ready and
eager to host.
Even though I don't live like a pig, my house is not always
company-ready. In extremely hot weather I might not even be fully dressed! And,
even though it seems to defy the imagination, even though I am 'only at home,
alone' I have plenty to keep my occupied.
Try as I might, I cannot seem to persuade people to text
before a visit.
You Speak Chinese!
Somehow, after living here for 6 years, it is apparently
astounding that I can speak, understand, read or write any Chinese.
In all fairness, those who don't know me, such as: street
vendors, bus drivers, merchants and the like might have reason to be surprised.
But my students, colleagues and others who know how long I've been here and
know of my love for learning could intuit that, in order to live in this corner
of Wuhan, where there are no foreigner concessions or any other foreigners, I
must have learned at least some Chinese. How would I shop for food, otherwise?
Again, I'm not sure
whether this phenomenon is a result of my foreign-ness or my age. I respect
that Chinese is a complex language that is difficult to learn. Difficult, not
impossible
Let me help you!
This is usually said in the context of my doing something
relatively mild, such as carrying something or putting on my coat but sometimes
will extend to tying my shoes or getting on a bus. I've learned to accept this
type of help.
Paradoxically, when I really need help and ask for it, I am met
with evasiveness. If it is something beyond my ability to deal with myself, I
live with frustration. Otherwise, I try figure things out by myself and, after
the situation is resolved, I am treated to grand displays of amazement.
Let me stress: I am not at all opposed to Chinese culture in
any of its facets. That is not what this article is about. I understand those
displays of caring are meant to show respect; guanxi is an integral part of
Chinese culture and, for a foreigner to speak any measure of Chinese is
remarkable, in the sense that anyone who can speak more than one language is
remarkable. I just wish all of that culture didn't have to get in the way of
friendship. I worry that all that deference could be keeping us from enjoying a
mutually respectful relationship – by respect, I mean of each other and our
abilities, not of my 'advanced' age or foreign-ness.
I wonder if any other foreigner has experienced these acts?
Been a victim of such frustrations?
And what habits or aspects of foreigners drive Chinese
people crazy?
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